Everyone sees who, I appear to be, but only a few know the real me. You can only see what I choose to show you, there's so much more behind this face than most will ever know.
Do they know me? Do they want to know me? Usually they don't. You read my wall, you may even read my twitter posts and my silly little blog. But until the day comes and you ask to know more, you never will. Do you treat God the same way? Just a glance at his Facebook; reprinted over million times in many different languages. You think you know, but have really taken the time to get to know him?
It truly amazes me about how many people have followed my journey the last two years and somehow has found inspiration enough to loose weight. I am jealous of those that have, see I have gained back over half of my weight. Currently I think my band is making me wore than ever. What I want to do, and what I really do is two different things since we moved last summer. I had an awesome support group in our old town. People look at me, they judge me, they think I don't possibly know anything about eating healthy. After all I weigh nearly 300 pounds. Something must be wrong with me they all say...go see this dr....go see that dr... I just don't get how you can be that size and still eat healthy. Well....mostly I am lying. See, I go to McDonald's a couple of times a week. Not only that but after all of that healthy eating all day, by 9pm I want my sugar. It's like a drug addiction. I want it, I think I have to have it or my anxiety will shoot out the roof. I am drinking one or two Dr. Pepper's a week and one sweet tea a day. Neither of which I should be drinking. But, water is so BORING! My taste buds say ick! I even tried and listened to the dr. about drinking a glass of wine at night. Well, that is also ick and probably not the best idea in the world. I finally achieved my goal last month and completed a solid 30 minutes on the ellipticals. I have not had time to go back to the gym since then. I have been to sick, or to tired the past month. Several doctors have told me I am not only fighting the PCOS, but also fighting the fact that I grew malnourished. Sure, we also had something to eat, but I truly didn't get enough vitamins and protein. I remember being hungry, but there was no more dinner to eat. I remember the mounds of food on others plates, and the tiny portions on mine. I remember always being hungry. I remember discovering food when I was 16, I could finally drive, work and choose my own food. I didn't overeat for a normal person, however i did eat more than what my body was use too. Calorie studies have shown that I only burn 1200 calories a day. You have to have a negative calorie intake of 1000 cals a day to loose one pound a week. That basically means not eating and in my book...that is NEVER okay. I remember not being the perfect skinny teenage girl and spending my first Summer in Dodge City by myself. I had lots of friends at school, but when it came to outside of school I was pretty much by myself. My mom was working two jobs to make ends meet and I sat at home. Once I got tired of sitting at home I rode my bike to a park that was two miles away. I sit there on the same swing and swing for a couple of hours before riding my bike back home. I can think of all the times no one ever has invited me anywhere. As an adult, I don't really even try. I don't expect people want to know me, after few ever have. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, and I am a horrible artist (as my colleagues have recently pointed out). If you know me than you know have a poor self-image, and no self-worth...I don't hate myself, I just don't meet other peoples standards. I live a very guarded life, because that is what life has taught me. A few friends know me well, one is my husband, one is a friend a grew up with, and the other died in September. I remember in middle school my friends starving themselves to death to have the perfect image. I remember one of my friends passing out twice at school because she hadn't ate in days (and possibly was using drugs). I remember one of my friends coming down with series healthy problems from not eating and those problems changed her life forever. If you know me, than you know I fear children having poor eating habits and what it does to their little brains and their bodies in general. We use to talk to our Middle School girls frequently about eating a healthy well balanced diet. How important vitamins and protein are for your body. I know what is like to not have those. I know what that type of eating has done for many people that I love. You will note be healthy without eating a balanced diet. No snake oil will keep you healthy while you are not eating. In this day and age you are not allowed to say anything to anyone but their eating habits. We can't even remind our short attention span students to keep eating in the cafeteria. I find that funny since people have no problem telling me how to eat. I know my current drs. diet provides all the nourishment my body needs and I understand my body has lots of nourishment that it needs to burn. However, not eating takes me back to not being able to eat. You may think you know me, but most likely you don't.
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